My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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