I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
