Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
