so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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