Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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