I think im going to throw up on grandma
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
