If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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