are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
