Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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