I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
