What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
