who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
