I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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