i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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