Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
