I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
