I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
