Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
