So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
