i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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