She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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