found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
