cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
