dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
