The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
