He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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