i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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