I met the friendliest cop last night
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i came on her dog
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
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