I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
