You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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