you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
