My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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