I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
