she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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