apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
