well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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