I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Two words: nipple clamps
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