Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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