Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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