I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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