I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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