is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
