Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
