last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
