I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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