I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
