I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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