I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
