Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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