Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
