does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
